9/29/2013 – And I was born again

The previous week was one of the lowest in my life. I could feel nothing but disappointment. There are so many things going in the micro nerves of my brain. All these years I was always confident of getting you back by my constant love and affection for you, but the recent conversations have changed everything.

I have always known that in the end Love was never going to enough but always thought that it will be the most important factor in deciding our fates, but I was wrong.  7 years and counting and finally i think I am tired; I am tired of being someone who you may want. One of my biggest strength was to show my love to you in hope it brings happiness to you and automatically to me.

Every reason that made me strong is fading away, the biggest being the desire to be loved by you. Yes the desire of being loved by someone you love is the strongest motivation a lover can have. Over the course of years that desire has been fulfilled and crushed 80% the latter. But that 20% kept me alive, kept my heart beating and beating for you. The moments when I feel you love me are the most beautiful times in my life.

But in the end this is all fading, last month is a nightmare, you certainly had made me feel that I am no good for you at least for now, I was ready for a fight, but as the days are passing, I think I am losing the battle. The hard things I have done in the past, from waiting and waiting and controlling and sacrificing means nothing? The most important treasure of my life, my youth I spent waiting for you and it kills me to believe that that was a mistake.

The questions/doubts create a black hole in my chest and consume me to do anything but what is absolutely necessary for survival. This is how my days are going. I am like a lost Ant who has been deviated from its path, desperately searching for the right track.  It has been a week since I heard your voice, been more than a month when I told you that I love you, and I have never been so calm about it. And today I saw you pic you got tagged on facebook. And I’m ready for another round probably for losing again, but it doesn't matter. I am born again. 

Only if you follow the script

You are going to meet her after months; the beats of your heart you can feel in your chest, seems like you have run a marathon. Wait of those last few minutes, when your clock just stops ticking. All those crazy thoughts that run through your mind, thought on how you are going to smile at her, thought on how you are going to reach to her and will just grab her in your arms. Thinking about that she will feel the same and she will hug you tighter. Thought that you look in her eyes, adjust her hairs and admire how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to be with her right here right now. All the planning done by you over the months is certainly gone, you can’t think about anything you have thought earlier for this day. The thought of what will she be wearing, how beautiful she will look, thinking about what is the dress in which she mesmerized you the most. 

And then the moment came, you see her a little far from you and suddenly your heart skips some beats, and then it starts beating faster than ever, your senses are jammed for a moment and then you realize, oh man she is beautiful, why she has to be so perfect. You realize how much you love her and how much you can do to be with her, how much you want to be with her, to see her every day in your life. For a split second your eyes meet and you want to look her right through eyes and communicate how much you love her. But you can’t, why it is so difficult to look in her eyes. She is coming closer, reality is hitting you but in all the process you have forgotten everything that you were thinking five minutes ago. She stands next to you and you just say hi, shakes her hand. You didn’t hug her, she didn’t show any interest in hugging you. Damn the moment is gone.

You curse yourself on being such a ***.  The time passes by, and all the time you are thinking how would have everything gone if you have been able to follow the script.